Nothing of interest.

Nothing of interest has happened lately.
Life is pretty meh but going on. I wish
I would have something to do but at the
same time I'm scarily comfortable in my
limbo.

It's like with our computer. We didn't
have internet since Christmas before
it suddenly started working on Tuesday.
4 hours later, the whole damn thing got
fucked. Apparently the C:drive is "critical"
and D "dangerous". Since fucking when?
It's been working just fine and then, after
having working internet for like 4 hours
it just goes boof? We didn't really download
anything, I was browsing Google for a new
Sentimental Circus-header for twitter and
then it just.... crumbles down. We have
warranty left but I'm super-dissapointed if
(when) all our photos will be gone. Pics
from Japan, Ava, random nonsense that has
no sense but I'll miss them.... Music and videos
I can always rip/download again even if it's a
bitch but the pics.... again. I know you should
keep doubles somewhere but what good does
it do? Last time I made backups the hardrive
stopped working, stopped taking commands
and there went those pictures. Maybe I just
have bad luck with technical things? Lucky us
Minna said Miikka might be able to help. Well
it won't hurt so I'll ahve to ask if he can do
something. After that I'll just send the thing to
Acer so they can fix it.

お誕生日おめでとう！

お誕生日おめでとう！
Happy 30th birthday to the best bigsister in the world!♥

Miia turned 30 today so we went out with her and her 4 friends. First dinner at a Mexican restaurant and after that drinks at one of Kokkolas nightclubs and a gig by Samuli Putro. All in all, a decent evening and I'm glad she wanted us to be there to. Now putting some finishing touches on her surprise cake, first time using sugarpaste and it looks way cute!

Here's a sneakpeak of the cake in making of, more tomorrow or so~

Me cooksta.

Today's dinner. I love karee and while I would not eat it on daily basis, at least once a week sounds pretty good to me :D I don't know how to make real curry but I can make pretty damn good karee, even if I say so myself. In reality it's just chopping up the veggies (in todays case carrots, potatoes and sweet potatoes) and cooking the meat, tossing the lot into a pan big enough and adding water. After everything is cooked properly you'll just add the ready cubes of saucemix and wait a few minutes until the sauce is done. Serve with rice and everyone will love you :D
Anyhow, today was vegetarian food for once but I'll admit it, I do need meat in my menu! Sorry pigs and cows ://

For dessert we made some lemon tart, just because.



The recipe is actually my Mother's, from way back, but it's delicious! It has a spongecake bottom topped with tangy lemoncurd and in this case, whipped cream. Notice my expert piping *snort* I think this was actually the first time for me to pipe cream. I've done chocolate stuff and a bunch of royal icing for the gingerbread houses last Christmas but cream... well, another first I can cross over on my list.

Speaking about cakes and stuff. Miia, my older sister, has her 30rd birthday on Friday. We'll be going out with her and some of her friends for a dinner and Samuli Putro-show. Me and Eve got Mom to buy us some foodcolors and things so we'll be trying our hands on the so-called "rainbow cake". Google it. I found a bunch of recipes for it but the best one seemed to be the Martha Stewart-one. It seems doable enough but I'm not gonna get cocky just yet X)) we'll use Italian meringue in between the layers and to top it off, it just can't taste bad!

I might have some news, too, but that'll have to wait a bit. Until that, tata!

I wonder if...

I wonder if you ever think of me like I do of you when I hear the song we used to sing along together without really knowing the lyrics.
I wonder if songs have been ruined for you like they have been ruined for me by the once happy memory of you.

I wonder if you ever think of me like I do of you when I see a photo of a place we used to talk about traveling to together.
I wonder if realizing it annoys you as much as it does me, to the point where you momentarily hate the place and wish for it's demise.

I wonder if you ever think of me like I do of you when I see someone resembling you on the streets but realize it's not you.
I wonder if thinking about this makes you realize it was me that one time.

I wonder if you ever think of me like I do of you when I hear your name in a place you would never be in but still wonder 'what if'.
I wonder if hearing my name will make you sick to your stomach like hearing yours does to me. I hope to all the gods ever worshipped I will never befriend someone with your name ever again since that relationship would be doomed from the start and it would be unfair to them.

I wonder if you ever think of me like I do of you when I cook something delicious and am about to ask you to taste it before realizing you'll never be there again.
I wonder if the perfect dish you used to treat me with tastes fowl in your mouth these days.

I wonder if you ever think of me like I do of you some days. With fond memories. Longing. After all this time that feels like a million years has passed but then again, only a heartbeat. If you ever wish we'd still be 'we'. If you ever wish things would have gone differently. If you ever ask yourself was it right what you did. If you will ever realize what an utter cunt you were. If you ever scold yourself for how you handled things. If you ever wonder how it all seemed to me. Your sudden burst of maliciousness. Of cold hatred and spite. Of seemingly calculated destruction of everything I held dear, unbreakable, sacred almost.

Above everything I wonder if you ever, even once, thought of me like I did of you, as my best friend, as the one person I could always trust, as a true friend and not someone who would repeatedly step on me and treat me like the worst kind of trash, so... disposable. Even now it makes me feel desolate and sick to my stomach.

I know I was not, am not and will never be a saint. I'm human after all and as humans we make mistakes. At least I can say I've made some, I can say I wish I would've done things differently but to tell the truth I'm not sure you'll ever get there. You're far too selfish, far too fixated on your words being the only right ones. Your actions being the only reasonable ones. Your view on things the only one to see, to be. You're much like a kid throwing a fit over candy their not getting but unlike you, that kid will someday grow up. You will not.

I hope I could erase the years I spent with you from my memory but the (sad?) truth is those have been some of the best years of my life. A bittersweet thank you but please, wipe me clean from your toxic ghost lingering at the corner of my eye. I don't want you here anymore.

5.55

Thinking about 2 of my friends currently staying in Japan leaves me with a slightly bitter taste in my mouth. I know they've worked hard to earn the money but I'm sooooo jealous it's rather ridiculous :'_D really, it's not even funny (yet it kinda is). I'm sending out some job applications but our internet has been a no show for the past week, at least. I'm ok with my phone but it'd be hell of a lot snappier to complete the questionnaires with an actual keyboard *sigh* we're heading to Koivuhaka tomorrow for a sauna so I'll just use Dads laptop then. He has better internet anyway. I'm not looking for a job with a 2000€ salary but something more than welfare would be nice.

Tomorrow another friend of mine, Linda, is getting a new tattoo. For that, I'm also jealous! Her idea sounds rocking so I'm eager to see the end result. I kinda have a date set for my new tattoo but time shows if I can afford it. Hopefully. I love my idea and I'm pretty set on it so cross your fingers for me, k?!

Off to bed. The time is messing with me again, I swear.

About sports and exercise.

So. I'm a lazy person. I don't like exercise, or sports in general. I can watch a game of hockey every now and then and I like the Olympics but that's about it. I've tried to take up on numerous activities and was really into dancing and swimming around junior high but then my social life kinda stumped and I didn't really find myself interested in much at all. I'm painfully aware I'm not getting any younger and with my back, I'm already getting hints what's gonna get fucked up when I'm (actually) older. Mom has tried to get me interested in taking up swimming with her and even if I strictly declined at first, I find myself toying with the idea. I mean, swimming is actually fun. It's easy, the centre is merely a 15 minute walk from my apartment AND it would be super beneficial to my back and the problems scoliosis has brought and will bring. It's just that I'm shy about my body, I never look at myself naked or even half so, so it'll take an immense burst of something for me to actually get out there and get naked in front of strangers. God that sounds retarded :_D but you know, it'd make Mom happy and she wouldn't have to go alone. I'd get some form of exercise (and a hobby...) and maybe even lose a few kg, doesn't sound too bad. Besides, being stuck in this house is driving me insane. I need to get out more and find something entertaining to do! So, to take up on something besides reading and loitering around, I (we) went for a nice walk. The weather was (and is, even after several hours) totally dreadful but it was enjoyable. The temperature was amiable and there was only a few people on the streets. I like walking around in the city like that and especially the old part of Kokkola, Neristan, so I'm looking forward to our next outing!!

Happy New Year.

It's been over a year since I last updated this and it seems a lot has happened and then aging everything's the same. I moved from Espoo to Kokkola in August and have been living mundane life closer to my family and away from the poisonous person I dreaded seeing in the South, even if it wasn't likely we'd cross paths but still. My older sister gave birth to a beautiful little girl, Ava, in mid-August and yesterday was my mothers mothers 80th birthday. That's pretty much it for 2012 as far as I can think of right now. I'm trying to get accustomed to normal daily rhythm and am taking part in kind of a youth recovery program for unemployed youth and it seems fine so far. By the end of January I hope I'll be properly working. If not, I think I have some decent (professional) people I can talk about my future with.

I rarely make any resolutions for the coming year but this time I wish I could be more happy and content with life. I wish I would stop automatically thinking 'ok this seems fine but what's gonna go wrong', you know? I wish happiness and health for my family and people close to me. For the others, I wish maybe this year you will realize what utter cunts you are/have been. I know life has been rough for you, it has been for me as well, but you don't see me going around fucking people over. Also I hope you will never have to go through what you did to me. May you get what karma deems appropriate.

Thank you 2012, welcome 2013.